nitramy

I can't change anyone without changing myself first.

And I have to do so if I have to make good my promise to myself and to others to be the best teacher I can be.

I have to start by not being a weepy bastard when drunk.

On a roll now, 'cause I'm gonna be handing over my resume to my alma mater's HR department sometime this week!

Also...

OH MY GOD I'M DANCING LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING FIST OF THE NORTH STAR JESUS CHRIST

FUCK YES YOU ARE THE BEST GRAND CHASE CHARACTER EVER!

...I'm referring to Amy. :D

Anyway, time to save up for Gacha necklaces for Amy buying Christmas presents for everyone precious to me.

Hmm... perhaps a book on defensive driving for someone, textbooks and spelling books for someone else, and those discount novels for yet others. I'll be really lucky if I can score an Edgar Cayce tome for my aunt.

Christmas is about putting others ahead of oneself, and I'll be really glad to take that up. It's part of my struggle to improve myself; because I made a promise to Kamen Rider King Nekketsu that I'd make it as a teacher.

Because nothing beats teaching kids about COURAGE! and JUSTICE! and HONOR!

Also, if you're down, listen to this: SUNSET HEROES

Well, just look at the news tonight and you'll understand why.

(Plus, the music will make more sense.)

I don't know what's going on anymore.

On one end, I think that handing over misery is the purpose of my existence.

On another, part of me is horrified that I sound like Uchiha Sasuke (and this sucks balls).

What to do, what to do...

New semester's coming up, so I'd better dust my ass off and start trolling for jobs.

Haven't even gone to the PRC to snatch my license yet (earliest I can go to get it is Monday). I don't know, I might know a lot about the beauty of the spoken or the written word, but I seem a little elitist about the whole thing (and this is exemplified by me going into a RAGE at someone who asks a favor online but can't type out the word "please" completely).

So yeah, I'm not too convinced of my chances in the teaching profession, even if there is SCT as a fall back (hope they take applicants over the break between semesters. ~_~)

Not to mention working at SCT would probably give me the chance to sekuhara the female Flambeau staff all over again. Ahahahaha.

...and to people who get morally offended at prurient matters, answer this question for me: do you get morally offended whenever a dog licks his balls?

...Still I wonder why the very thought of yaoi freaks me out even when I regularly watch (and fap to) something like Ane: Haramix.

And let depression strike me for full damage head-on.

I don't know, this is either the best way to make sure this won't happen again or the worst way.

The sad part is that people tend to take my intelligence for granted, thinking I'm just as smart when dealing with life choices - but the truth is, I'm at my best supporting someone else, I'm not that much shakes on my own. This much I know because everything I am says this is true.

But I'm still notoriously bad at details.

In other news:

GRIFIS! FUCK YEAH!

Anyway now that that's done with, I guess I'll have to hole up for the meantime and see where else my destiny lies. It might not be here, it might not be there, but I hope it will come.

(...and lastly, some people can weather the relationship olympics. not me. i was never any good at sports.)

P.S. flying_sideways confirmed it: not me. Despite the "sheep are harmless; yeah, watch a few sheep hijack planes and crash them onto buildings, that's harmless" schtick going on, distance has made the whole deal seem... quotidian at worst; at best a look back into the time I rabidly enjoyed sheep warfare on television.

And here I thought holding grudges was a good thing.

Michael Jordan is actually more hung up on many things than I was.

Then he'd open up this can of worms at his induction to the Hall of Fame. Dude, WTF? Private grievances are best kept private, and should only be made public if NOBODYGIVESASHIT.

I don't know, is this a sign from above that tells me to change the way I think?

I'd like to, but that would be like letting someone get away with murder.

Choices, choices...

I find it vaguely humorous, strange, sad, and a whole set of other things that people would react to my last post just as if I'd leveled a volley of insults at them.

This is not one of those moments.

Paraphrasing a certain megalomaniac dictator who got flung into exploding televisions: you can keep your own God, and it really doesn't matter to me whether you believe for the sake of being something or someone or just become a sheep in the grand scheme of things.

(that, sir, is apathy)

whoa... whoa... whoa... if I really didn't care, so some might say, then I wouldn't gloss over details. why do so? well, sometimes you have to unload what's on the edge of your consciousness as quickly as possible so that it won't bother you all day/week/month/year/decade (onore dikeido!).

an additional note: there's a little thing that's called non sequitur - just because statement b follows statement a doesn't mean that statement b was meant to be taken with statement a.

and if you've read far ahead, a post as absurd as this or the one before it should probably not register to anyone's attention, as I am not asking for any.

just looking for ringside seats when the end of the world comes.

in other news, my legs take longer to heal up after DDR'ing. guess that's what sucks about being a house boy all week.

p.s. today is september 11, the day when you get a bunch of sheep and have them hijack some planes then crash them into buildings.

...what you believe in is ultimately up to you.

See, that's where the rub is - the very concept of belief tends to interfere with my thinking most of the time (except when I wax philosophical about things and when Scientologists - especially Filipino ones - are involved).

I'm not gonna go and start with the name-calling, but one thing is clear: keep your beliefs in one place and your wallet in another. don't go and make yourself a tool in padding someone else's bottom line, because to some people, there is a lot of money to be made in exploiting belief.

in other news my legs are now shot to shit. DDR is out of the question all week long. damn it. that was last saturday.

and if the world should end, the only regret I have is not punching a certain girl in the face.

Stoopid line trouble messing up my internets!

And for the cloud in the silver lining, I seem to have successfully trapped another call center agent.

Is my telephone voice really that girly?!

Okay, long time no update, but let me run down the few events that have happened so far:

a. I like Grand Chase.

b. I'm still a lonely duck.

c. No headway in job search mode so far.

But, as with all things, I'm just gonna play it cool and wait for the right opportunity.

So I have not been okay for the past couple of days because it was around a week or two ago that I found out that I didn't have the EQ to be able to handle the rigors of teaching.

In hindsight, this was something that was to be expected - because I was weaned on the theory that just being myself would take care of everything - eccentricities and all. Turns out you don't show off your true self - warts and all - when your job isn't secure. Sorta like the Relationship Olympics, but the reward isn't biological, but financial.

But it showed off just how much honor I have - when offered a chance to continue teaching at that school, I refused. Not because I was afraid of the consequences should I fail, but that my dishonor would be passed onto my colleagues and the school I work for. That and I still have a long way to go. I've made a lot of progress, but that disheartening report showed that this is not me at my best - I have to keep going.

Anyway, speaking of the Relationship Olympics, it would seem that I'm just about to pull an I Want My Beloved To Be Happy - and it seems that those who play by the rules often finish last. Ah, it's hard, it really is. When you say things and people don't understand that you're saying them because you're going by the principle of playing fairly, you know this world is going haywire.

But now that I've seen the road ahead, walking on it will not be as difficult as it seems - as I have been guided so far by many, many people.

Therein lies the rub, as I'm too busy slaughtering monsters IN THE NAME OF THE GRAND CHASE OF BERMESIAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Oh well, you can't win 'em all.

As I type this, only mere minutes have passed from all the AWESOMENESS that is Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha.

With the first three episodes, I was like: "What the heck, this show has a pretty bland start... I wonder what the fuss is all about-" and then ANOTHER magical girl shows up.

By that time (Episode 4), I didn't notice that they just took off the handbrake on all the awesomeness that followed. I was like HOLY **** THIS IS ****ING AWESOME and just literally moments ago - BEFORE watching Episode 11 - I was like... (and I know this will probably be expected) OH HERE IT COMES, IT'S GONNA BE A REAL SLOBBERKNOCKER HERE FOLKS.

AND THEN NANOHA WHIPS OUT THE DIVINE SHOOTER, IT'S FIREWORKS FLYING ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THEN OMG FATE GOES ALL OUT AND GOES ON A PHOTON LANCER RAMPAGE...

but wait...

DIVINE BUSTER'D!!!

and after that...

OH MY GOD SHE'S THE MOTHERFUCKING BFG9000 IN PINK JESUS CHRIST DID YOU SEE THAT BEAM

...then we see Fate's mother totally spaz out.

The next two episodes will probably be crammed full of awesomeness.

I'm so giddy I can't wait.

(And in other non-Takamachi Nanoha-related news, my 2nd week as a teacher is just about to end after the parade tomorrow, my co-teachers are challenging to get along with, and I'd rather hawk flyers than sit in a table for 8 hours doing clerical or lesson plans and such.)

Yay, hired at last!

I start work Monday.

It's time to go beyond the impossible. :)

Sometimes I ask myself why - even though people close doors on me left and right - that I never do the same to others.

Maybe it's because I'm still a romantic idealist at heart and that everything and everyone deserves a second chance.

I mean, I have toyed with the idea of finding innocence and utterly corrupting it (yes, that led to a door being closed in my face, but with all that's happened it's been put into proper perspective) but at the critical moment, I couldn't go through with it (maybe my lack of resolve was the real reason for this, and not the events that led up to it) ...and seeing things in a different light really does help.

Still doesn't help the fact that I'm still lonely as heck, though... but I gotta get a life first, and believe in myself.

Just read the damn quote.

Kamina is dead.

He's not here anymore.

But on my back, and in my heart, he lives on.

Drilling a hole to pierce the heavens. Even if that hole becomes my grave, as long as I break through, I will be victorious!

Who the hell do you think I am?

I'm Simon.

I'm not Kamina.

I am myself!

Simon the Driller!

LISTEN, SIMON. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. NOT IN YOU, WHO BELIEVES IN ME. NOT IN ME, WHO BELIEVES IN YOU. BELIEVE IN YOU, WHO BELIEVES IN YOURSELF! - Kamina, TTGL

A third of a Red Horse Grande rolling around in my system, and this is all I have to offer for it.

I don't know if alcohol imparts wisdom, but in this case, and at the most critical of times, it is.

I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF, OTHERWISE, ALL OF THIS WILL HAVE BEEN DONE FOR NAUGHT! All of this, everything, and I mean every single thing, will have been for nothing if I don't...

I mean, if I have been living my life just for the sake of a grudge the target doesn't even know is there, then what justice in the universe would let me follow through with it?

IT'S HIGH TIME THAT I START LIVING MY LIFE THAN JUST GO ON BEING MOLDED BY THE PAST AND BY THE MISCONCEPTIONS OF MYSELF AND ANOTHER WHO I LOVED JUST BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T TREAT ME LIKE SOME SORT OF FREAK, WAY BACK THEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM SO GONNA BUST OUT THAT EPISODE 11 SPEECH, JUST YOU WAIT~

Ah well, you know me - mister heart-on-a-sleeve and mister-type-blog-first-ask-questions-later. I was originally going to write this post about how RAINBOWS ARE STRAIGHTER THAN SUBARU and how COURAGE CAN MAKE 1% INTO 100%, but now, I am going to talk about how some hurts just don't ever go away.

You think you're doing fine, and you think you're handling the business of life in a nominal fashion. People around you think you're getting a life, and you feel proud for making slow progress in the world. You even go so far as to clench your fist and shed manly tears at the realization that even though you think your life is going around in a circle, it actually spirals outward, growing larger and larger as it goes.

And then this happens.

I'm not gonna go and say that this is going to demolish everything I've done so far - but it does make everything seem dark and grim and dour.

So it seems that I have found the embodiment of what they call "absolute despair".

And now when it seems that all my courage is lost, what will the future bring?

Stay tuned to find out.

Oh yeah, speaking of rainbows and Subarus, my Impreza WRX is still unbeaten. Don't know how long it will stay unbeaten though - but I can say with conviction that I will tear through Rockport City with Eurobeat in the sound system and a lot of COURAGE in my heart.

I still believe miracles are possible.

So there I was, having lunch at Kenny Rogers' Roasters when I saw, or I thought I saw, someone I consider close to my heart... was it a mirage, an illusion, or the universe telling me that "this is it, it's over, game's done"?

Regardless, that must wait. In other news, Dabzee's EVO IX just cleared Lake Akina. Now to start some serious-ass drifting on Myogi. It's time to kick ass and dorifuto. And I'm all out of dorifuto.

Doesn't it frustrate you when you see girls dressed in extremely flattering outfits and cry "sexual harassment" when you so much as look at them in a way they don't like? I mean, a lot of guys think with their hormones (including me). I mean, you say "women should always demand respect" but dress in a way that does not represent respect visually. Also, guys tend to take things at face value (visually, in a sense), so this will only come off as more friction between the genders.

Doesn't take a genius to figure out why the concept of traps intrigue me, right?

And for gosh sakes, this is another thing that constrains me as a teacher: you have to literally keep everything in. Now that would be difficult, because if I do keep it in and charge shot it like Megaman X would do, the result when I let go of the shot button would be... catastrophic, to say the least. (Maybe that's why my collection of PROMOTIONS keeps increasing... keeps the tension at bay.)

(This post was brought to you by the teaching demonstration, where I saw a maths teacher with a chest Mayumi Thyme would call "extremely RARE and VALUABLE", and a rear end Sir Mix-a-Lot would be proud of. Hope she didn't catch me ogling... that would spell the death of my teaching career...)